JULIE DO YOU KNOW WHAT AVAILABLE TO SELL IS

my apartment is quiet without Leah the Slaya.  being ALONE sucks ass, and i can't wait till my friend Rose comes visit me from seattle.  she's coming for new years, and were gonna go bombin every night and wear cute outfits. 

on a sadder note, today while i was shopping for a new years dress at topshop, my boss Hutch called me.  he was quite upset and began his conversation with no "hellos", no "how do you do", nor "whats cookin mama,".......Hutch simply starts off with, "JULIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT AVAILABLE TO SELL IS?" 

             (side note......a few weeks ago, i got in trouble from Dre, cuz he claimed that i had like 500,000 watches to sell, but i mistaked it like for 150,000 units or something like that, so my numbers were off.  so Dre questioned my intelligence in sales knowledge by asking me if i knew what "AVAILABLE TO SELL IS."  he asked me that like 5 x's in a row, and i got scared.  Then Hutch, who was sitting a few desks away butts into our conversation out of no where and breaks it down for me like this, "JULIE, DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN AVAILABLE TO SELL IN KOREAN TERMS FOR YOU?  IF YOU HAVE 5 KIMCHI BOWLS, AND YOU SOLD 2 KIMCHI BOWLS, THEN HOW MANY 'AVAILABLE TO SELL' KIMCHI BOWLS DO YOU HAVE?"  )

so back to my phone call today, Hutch asks me a 2nd time, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT AVAILABLE TO SELL IS?"  and first i thought he was joking and kinda just laughed, but then he was not joking. 

and then he said to me, "How come on your resume you wrote that you went to college.  Did you go to college?"   At this point, i was getting really scared because yes i do know what available to sell is, and yes i went to a legit school at Univ of Washington and got a legit English degree.  But, i was scared that i was in trouble for something. 

Then Hutch goes, "WELL IF YOU WENT TO COLLEGE, THEN HOW DO YOU SPELL HOLIDAY?" 

so i slowly responded, "H - O - L - I - D - A - Y." 

and Hutch goes, "Are you sure there aren't 2 D's in holiday?" 

and i said, "yes," 

Then Hutch goes, "Then go check the Holiday Postcard you made and sent to all our buyers."

i went home and pulled it up, and SHO NUFF:

ZANNNNNNNNNNNNNG.....that sucks.  our manager blasted that to like 500 buyers, and now they're all gonna think that Dre don't know how to spell Holidday.


ooopsies.  my bad


ARI, DON'T FIRE ME!!!!

harriday update

still no response from adam.  its been officially 48 hours, and i've been.....

trailer matt tried to cheer me up saying he coulda been a cereal rapist, or had a foot fetish....OR EVEN WORSE, AN ASIAN FETISH.    EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

so im gonna keep it moving with my bad ass.  it's gonna be ronery without my roomie Leah the Slaya cuz she's going home for the harridays.  it'll be just me, Papi, and Apollo.  I hope i don't end up crying on christmas day.  John told me to go rent the Big Lebowski, cuz it'll remind me of him.

On a HAPPY NOTE.......guess who was the mother f&ckin champions of the 1st annual bowl off..............drumroll..............................the mother f&ckin' FOUNDATION SHOWROOM!  Boss was right, WE ONLY PLAY TO WIN.

it was a pretty close game, and even though Dre racially profiled me and kicked me off the team, i was the team captain.  So was Ari, he was yelling threats to fire the teammates if they didn't win.  I patted Trailer Matt and Louche the Douche on the bootie everytime they went up.  Like how they do it in football.  Everytime I smacked Matt's flat bootie, it gave him that extra motivation to win, cuz he ain't gotten ass in a long time. 

But you know who really amazed me?!?!?!  A long time ago Hutch told the showroom that "black men ain't bowl."  yesterday, the heavens opened and fire descended on Dre Hayes.  lemme tell you, i ain't never seen a black man bowl like the way i seen Dre hayes bowl yesterday.   X's after X's after X's, and you know Hutch walked the lanes like he was ownin' it, as if he was living through Dre's glory. 

It was kinda funny, cuz for the 2nd game, Foundation went against Source magazine and i seen our men go at it with the hip hop magazine.  Some notable quotes during that game:

Owner of Source Mag referring to Trailer Matt:   "Oh no, here comes Cable Guy" 

John Nemer to the Source owner,  "People still read The Source?"

Ari to John, "Isn't that an online blog?"

Louche the Douche intern to the owner of Source Magazine, "Dude, out of 300, you got a score of 50.  Our lowest player has doubled your score."

Juelz to owner of Source when he extended his hand to shake mine, I reached out my hand then pulled it back behind my ears and said, "SiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiKE"

I am so proud of our boys.  They may be douche bags during work, (except the bosses, don't fire me Ari), but man oh man....when it comes to BOWLING........WE ARE THE MOTHER F&CKING CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD.




My boss may look like an NBA player....

but he ain't.  he just bowls....

The Boys....

 Jason Biggs aka Hipster Luciano aka LOUCHE THE DOUCHE....

SUGE KNIGHT AND CABLE MAN...

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S OUTFIT, THIS MAN CAN B-O-W-L....

Sucks that there were no good looking men at the event.  

Pammy came to support us.  Isn't she so cute!  Bobby used to hit on her everyday and always got rejected.

Team Awesome

These men were BORN TO WIN.

And their prizes......

BUMMER OF A WEEK....

Today at Foundation Showroom is the 1st Annual Bowl OFF.  Our league will be playing against other industry companies, 2 of which are in the same building as us.  Ari told us yesterday that if we don't win, we need to pack up our desks and not come back to the office, like he Donald Trump.  He expects our team to deliver so he can have bragging rights next time he sees Sergio, and Lisa in the elevator.  These are all old school garmento sales people, and they just love to outdo each other and rub it in their faces.  Dre booted me off the team yesterday and said, "JULIE, you ain't playing tomorrow.  We need to win.  This ain't no KIMCHI making contest."  Sooo...just like that, i'm off.  But i still went to practice at Rucky strikes last nite.  And although Uncle Dre racially profiles me everyday, he makes up for it by buying me chicken fingers, mac n cheese, and pineapple vodkas, and my game of bowling.  I love Uncle Dre!!!

on a different note, have you ever.............in life.............met someone that came up to you at a bar and said, "Have you seen my lost dog, it's a white shitzoo named Buttons" and was super turned off, but after an hour into your conversation considered that this person could possibly be future baby daddy........and then that person wanted to hang out with you some more at the end of the night.....but your girlfriends kinda cock block your game, so you end up being torn whether to stick around with this guy that is asking for 20 more minutes of your life, but your girlfriend grabs your coat to lead you out the door......but in your heart of hearts find this person extremely charming and hot....but you end up leaving with your homies so you don't end up being a one-nite-stand, nor a sellout to your girls......but in the car ride home, you kinda regret not hanging out with that person who coulda been the man of your dreams......and what sucks the most is that the douche bag never even asked for your number, but gave you his website......but then why would he want to hang out more.....probably just to do the boom boom huh?...

well, that happened to me at esquina.  when i came to work yesterday, the girls helped me write up 3 potential emails to send to this fella named Adam:


Email #1: (tara's version)

Hi Adam!

I had a really nice time hanging out with you saturday night.  Just wondering if you will be in nyc again anytime soon, so we can go for round 2.

Julie

Email #2:  (My+Leah's version)

Hey Adam!

Just checked out your site, very cool.  It was nice meeting you, glad you found Button's.

Hope to see you again!  :)

Julie

Email #3:  (Trailer Matt's version)

Hi!

I think you're hot and we should probably boom boom next time.

Julie

I ended up using Hutch's version.  See below for his little additions:

He hasn't responded.  He was probably playing me for a fool, and i fell for it.  Trailer Matt said, "Julie even though you're rejected, don't worry bout it.  Look at Little Julius (16 yr old intern), he's been rejected his whole life and he's still survived."

GREAT, NOW THAT I'M 30, LOSERS LIKE TRAILER MATT PUT ME ON THE LEVEL OF OUR 16 YEAR OLD INTERNS.  i should have more swagger than that!  :(

JAM PACKED WEEK OF WINTER FUN!

i would love to talk about how amazing last night was, but i am too hungover right now. 











in a nutshell our company dinner was filled with:

*  Spitzers
*  Patron Shots
*  Proposing to the bosses that we should smoke weed and do cocaine
*  "Clean out my warehouse"
*  "Dre acts hard, but he's actually really soft"
*  "But Hutch is the softest"
*   More Patron Shots
*   Dre scored baskets at NRF game and beat Louche the Douche
*   My pickup line to some dude last night, "What foo, I OWN G-Shock"
*   Santo's
*   John turning into Johnner
*   Interns paying cab driver an extra $20 so he would take their manager Johnner home
*   And somewhere in between, i hit on a sexy 23 year old uptown Brazilian, and told him i wish he was 30



On a side note, our meanest boss Ari got married today.  Yes, his wife signed her life away.  She is definitely thinking on behalf of her next generation to go to such drastic measures.  That's true love.
This is the same dude that once said to my face while i was eating a powdered donut, "Julie, you might as well take that donut and glue it to your hip."  And i just kept eating, with white powder all over my face, and then he goes, "AND YOU'RE STILL EATING THAT DONUT!  so get your 2nd one, and glue it to your left hip."    The men here are so mean.

Congrats to Lex and Ari.  If that ain't Beauty and the Beast, i don't know what Beauty and the Beast is.

just kidding Ari!  don't fire me!

hi world

today at Foundation showroom we are having our Holiday Dinner.  i tried to wear a nice outfit and look festive, but dre definitely knows how to kill my buzz.  He said, "Well look at you, trying to look like a korean pop star."   The bosses are making us eat dinner at 5pm at Spitzers and then sending us to the NRF bball game.  Uncle Dre and Louche the Douche (intern) are playing against each other, so it should be interesting seeing whether the intern can open a can of whoop ass on the boss.  Sounds like a lose lose situation to me, cuz Louche the Douche doesn't wanna let his team down and needs to reject Dre's shots, but then again, if you stunt on the boss at the peon stage of your career, the dude will always have the power to HIRE or FIRE.......

on my last note, my favorite conversations in the showroom are always between the intern Orange Julius, Sheed, and Trailer Matt.  They huddle together like they are at recess and talk all sorts of nonsense, cuz they are in that stage where they are still young and innocent, and haven't entered the "Antwain" era yet.  In fact, i don't even think they have done the boom boom yet.   And Sheed even commented to Matt that's it's okay to always get to 3rd base, and never have homeruns.  At lease he has consistency, Sheed calls Matt the king of fingerblastin.  NeWayZ....sheed started playing Matt some Teddy Pendergrass to show him how to one day hit a homerun.  This is new for a guy like Matt, cuz in North Dakota, all they play is Taylor Swift and Maroon 5.  They ain't got SOUL like brotha Hutch and Little Julius.  Ya'know?  Once Hutch played that exact song for me and started swaying his hips, and snapped his wolverine fingers, and said, "Julie, what you know bout Teddy Pendergrass.  This the kind of music that makes you wanna take the protection off."

ZANNNNNNNNNNNNNG!   Hopefully Trailer Matt will learn a thing or two from Little Julius and Sheed, and get some soul in him.

xoxo

A Quickie....

this is a quickie glob....cuz if uncle dre finds out that im not sellin/cold callin/shippin his watches...he gets really angry.  First thing when he sees me in the morning is never a "Good Morning Sunshine", or "Hello, how was your evening?"........it's him in his Louis Vuitton scarf, Public School leather Jacket, Oliver Peoples sunglasses on, and first word outta his mouth, "DID YOU CLEAN OUT MY WAREHOUSE YET?"  He thinks im a chinese factory....like i just pump out 1000 dumplings a minute. 

anywayz...I signed up for our company's bowling league.  Dre's email was a wee bit intimidating:

"TEAM, RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL IF YOU HAVE SKILLZ.....CUZ AT FOUNDATION, WE ONLY PLAY TO WIN." 

But when i think about it, i'm pretty much good at everything i do.  Snowboarding, selling, writing, hustlin, dealin, wheelin, rapping....

This is gonna be f*ing awesome!  we are playing complex, nike, akoo, vibe, and universal.  I am going to open multiple cans of whooop ass, cuz i dunno bout white/blk people, but KOREANS ARE KAREEOKEE AND BOWLING CHAMPIONS.   in fact....im gonna do both at the same time.


Time to rip shit up like an Incredible Hutch.




Okie, back to cold callin'!

WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT.......

BREAKING NEWS FROM FOUNDATION NATION......

I was minding my own bizness, and walking to the back of the showroom to give my expense report to Tara, when i noticed this man speaking to Hutch and Sheed to get a Play Clothes account.  I don't know what in the hell was goin on, but I overheard him say, "YOU DON'T FEED ME, IT'S NOT FAIR, SO I COME TO YOU FIRST, I'M NOT LEAVING!  AND YOU DON'T SELL ME CUZ IM BLACK.  WHITE MAN COMES TO GET THE BRAND, BUT WHEN I COME... YOU DON'T GIVE TO ME CUZ IM BLACK" (with some crazy ass African accent)  And i turned back around to check out this dude, and the crazy thing is HUTCH IS BLACK, and owner of Play Clothes is Clipse and they Black too.  and Sheed the rep is black too.

I was trying to not be nosey, but you know when drama starts brewing, and men with testosterone gonna start shit in this office....you can't help but get pumped up...

SOOOOOOOO.......eventually Hutch tries to calm down this angry man and walk him out of the office politely.  And people just minding their own bizness, except me....and then i walk over to the front of the showroom, and notice this guy start raising his voice at Hutch!  And if you don't know Hutch, he is one of the bosses of the showroom, and he kinda like that guy that never gets mad, but when he does, everyone runs.  His pecs all of sudden become like Incredible Hulk and his shirt starts to shrink.  And he has gnarly nails, so he bout to bust out Wolverine side of him too.  So this weird man refuses to leave the office, and holy smokes, he threw down his bag on the ground to show that he wasn't leaving.  OH MAN OH MAN.......SHIT GOT CRAGEEEEE!

Then all of sudden, I see Hutch go from passive to MASSIVE.  He straight unzips his hoodie, like he ready to beat this guys ass, and then uncle dre walks to the scene and tells this dude, "I think you better leave sir, cuz He gonna fuck you up."  And then the crazy man says, "IM NOT LEAVING!"  Oh man, and then Dre getting all fired up at this point, and straight takes off his heavy chained bracelet and throws it on the couch, cuz now Uncle Dre ready to fuck this man up too.  So by THEN, ALL THE MEN IN THE SHOWROOM RUN TO THE SCENE AND START CROWDIN AROUND, and Antwain yells at this dude, "YOU GOT 2 MINUTES BRO!"  And then I seen Uncle Hutch moving forward to this dude ready to break his face, and our Big Dude Intern Sid (he's like 260 pounds) runs over to hold back Uncle Hutch.  AND then Ari runs over and trying to hold back Hutch and Dre, cuz he knows there's some lawsuits about to go down....but our manager Tara B runs to the elevator and presses the button to hurry and get the elevator dude to show up and escort crazy man out.

Unfortunately, there were no punches thrown.  But dayam, HUTCH IS A SCARY DUDE AND I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM BEAT SOMEONE'S ASS ONE DAY.

Witness Statements:

"I'm gonna start wearing bulletproof vest to work now"   -Sheed Play Clothes rep

"HUTCH ain't black, HE GREEN."  -Juelz

"I was trying to figure out why Hutch gave him 2 minutes."  -Trailer Matt

"Hutch is the protector of the foundation" - Little Orange Julius

"WHen you talk smack to the foundation, you get smacked by the foundation."  -Little Orange Julius

lemme tell you bout the black men in my office......

first of all.....black men is the politically correct way to refer to Dre, Hutch, Sheed, Little Orange Julius, and Mik.  Cuz when i first got the job at Foundation like 4 years ago, I referred to my boss dre as "African American" and he responded, "WHAT GIRL!  Why you sayin African American, I'M BLAHCK!"  Ever since then, it is A-OK to call dre black, like Trailer Matt is white.  :)   but, do not call me yellow, cuz that sounds weird.

Anyways.....today our resident intern, Dre calls him Little Julius.....(i call him Little Orange Julius) was playing some sexin' music on full blast.  Him and Sheed were listening to it together.......(pause).......and i commented on how weird it was.  Then Sheed said, "Girl, you need a BLACK man in yo' life.  And get some soul in you."

That's what's so awesome bout black men.  They got soul.  I noticed it when Antwain was imitating Dre's Insanity workout positions, he did some intense back and forth pelvic thrust movements.  Wheras if Trailer Matt did it, he would just kinda wobble. 

And I overheard Sheed tell Tara the Riveria that a true soul black man would have silk sheets.  So he could just slide onto the bed.  And Little Julius added that he would also have velvet walls and a mirror over his bed.


WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW......i ain't never had a man with silk sheets, velvet walls, and a mirror over his bed.

btw.......the black men got soul even at an early age.......who knew this little dude woulda became my boss someday! 

my fone bwoke :(

good evening world.

today, my phone bwoke.   for so long, people told me how ghetto and outdated my 5 year old blackberry was, and that i should upgrade so i can look cool like everyone else.  but honestly, i know i am so fly even without an upgraded phone. 

because i have been so faithful to my phone and at&t.....i was eligible for a FULL (not partial) upgrade!  the sales woman was trying to convince me to get the newest blackberry Touch for $99, but honestly, i wanted whatever phone was FREE, cuz im trying to be money concious....like when dre yells at me for making color print copies...instead of black/white.

well.....from one sales woman to another, this woman pitched me an amazing presentation, and i walked out that store with a new iphone 4G.  and that was pretty much my entire "spending money" for food/booze/clothes/shoes.  now I AM BWOKE!   thas a saleswoman.  i think im like that too!  Im good at selling people things that they didn't initially want or need.

lastly..........i sent an email to some of my coworkers for their cell phone numbers, and this is the response from the men:

THE MEN IN MY SHOWROOM ANNOY ME!  EWWW....CAN YOU BELIEVE TRAILER MATT WOULD THINK I WOULD NEED HIM FOR BOOTY CALLS.......STRAIGHT DEE-SKU-TING.

last one out the office..... :(

for the first time in my life............i am the last person to leave the showroom.  i feel ronery.

back in the day, i used to be the first one to leave, then Uncle Dre said i better stop doing that.  Sooo...slowly, i am starting to leave work later and later.  My pups need to be let out to pee, so it's a lose lose situation. 

Last thought for the week.  It's sad to say, but i am now experiencing racism beyond the walls of my office.  The buyers are now even dishing it out....

it's aiite, my career in fashion has helped me grown a heart of steel.  nothing phases me anymore....

lemme tell you bout the men i work for........

this breed of men come from a different planet, cuz the stuff that comes out of their mouth is straight DEE-SKUS-TING.  except for daniel, he is nice and very respectful towards women.  THE OTHER 3....they straight wong to the female race, but ironically think they are gift to the female race.  there once was a time we went to a metropark appointment, and the buyer straight complimented my boss' eyes during my presentation.  straight DEE-SKUS-TING.  acturry, the men in my showroom check themselves out more than the women.  and i check out myself alot, cuz i know im a fine ass woman.

so all 3 of the wong bosses think they are hot in particular areas.  Hutch thinks his body is amazing, especially his pecs.  He even once moved his pecs to show Tara and me.  Yes....DEE-SKUS-TING.  Uncle Dre thinks he's overall a sexy black man and does Insanity workout and drinks Myoplex shakes.  He kinda got that intimidating image, cuz he all blinged out, and drives nice cars, and over 6 ft tall.  But..... Ari Gold straight thinks he's the best looking person in our entire showroom.  He thinks he got a handsome face.  He's aiite, but not like bend it like beckham.  It's like having 3 Situation's as bosses.  And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?  None of them ain't all that.  I never got nervous around any of them, cuz they like normal human beings, but with huge level of confidence.  Yes, poor little me gotta answer to these men to put food on the table.  :(


lookie....u be the judge....see...they just AiiiiiiiiiiiTE......it ain't like a DaYAAAAAAAM!

 

that's Hutch.  He LOVES huge Asses!

GUESS WHERE I AM......

i am in the air.

delta is giving free wifi for the harridays! isn't this amazing?! If Uncle Dre was sitting next to me, i would be doing work emails and trying to get more G-Shock orders...but since he's not....I AM CHILEAN LIKE A SEA BASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and talking to Leah the Slaya on Aim.

my battery is gonna die though, and im only at 58%. too bad there's no outlet.

my mini thanksgiving vacay was better than i thought. i thought it was gonna be depressing, but acturry, after i saw my mom at the airport...i was in good spirits. Hung out with old friends, and ate good food. I didn't even go bombing once either. I definitely think I've outgrown bombing. I'm a grownass woman now, and I'm gonna put my mind towards real woman things like baking and sewing. And perhaps one day I'll even preggo my eggos!

But not for now, cuz uncle dre says it's against his rules for baby makin'........cuz we here at Foundation are focused on money makin.




okie, gonna surf the intranet now.

byeeee!

xoxo